Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
