There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Can Purell be used as lube?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
