I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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