Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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