Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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