I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
