We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
