you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
