The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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