I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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