the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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