fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
