i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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