worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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