The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
