I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
