when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
