You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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