i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
