Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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