I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is wine microwaveable?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
