...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
