i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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