I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
