I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
