You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
