I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
