I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
