So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
