my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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