I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
