Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
