Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
