This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
