Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
