Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I love how my cats smell like pot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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