I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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