life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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