What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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