I think I won the penis lottery.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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