I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
