1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
