Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
