I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
