For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
