god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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