I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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