Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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