If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
