I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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